The importance of pain for self soothing

Today I came across a blog post (which you can find here) in which it was explained why people who have BPD (borderline personality disorder) find physical pain a good way of coping.

"In patients with borderline personality disorder, they found evidence of heightened activation of limbic circuitry in response to pictures evocative of positive and negative emotions, consistent with their reported emotion regulation problems. Amygdala activation also correlated with self-reported deficits in emotion regulation. However, the thermal stimuli inhibited the activation of the amygdala in these patients and also in healthy controls, presumably suppressing emotional reactivity.

Dr. John Krystal, Editor of Biological Psychiatry, commented, "These data are consistent with the hypothesis that physically painful stimuli provide some relief from emotional distress for some patients with borderline personality disorder because they paradoxically inhibit brain regions involved in emotion. This process may help them to compensate for deficient emotional regulation mechanisms.""

The origional blogger notes her own pain responces; "I don’t know about you, but I find this easily relatable. I didn’t really need neurological imaging and a battery of scientific tests to tell me I feel better emotionally after the experience of physical pain, but it really is a concept that is incredibly misunderstood by people. I personally have (had) a number of different reasons for why I turn to self-harm, but ultimately I think the main goal was to simply find some relief."... which I can also relate to. She also notes that when she is in emotional distress she will actively seek it (pain) which is also true for me. I often find that when my mind is full of  negative emotions my first instinct is to cut or harm myself. I find that my mind bombards me with so many of these thoughts it can be distressing especially if these thoughts turn to suicide. I also find that if I do not act on these impulses when these thoughts first apear, they can take along time to disapate, as I can find no other release which is as effective as pain. They will continue to bother me untill I eventually give in to them or I do somthing else impulsive but equally if not more so destructive in some other way. Therefore pain is a good release, and I have found that whilst cutting is effective, the longest lasting and most effective pain is that which is administered to me by a third party.

"physical pain actually inhibits the experience of emotional turmoil" 

 

Whist I hated being spanked as a child (it was usualy more like one ot two wacks across the thigh or bottom enough to make me cry) spanking is the most effective pain for relieving my emostional distress. I dont just mean 1, 2, 3 and your done. I mean a sustained and steady session of spankings starting slowly and building up to a steady rythm untill each hit is just painfull enough to bear but not so painfull that they make me cry out sustained for 10 minutes or more untill I have calmed down. I feel that this is the best way of helping me through 'an episode'. After which I may wish to be alone, or to be held and nurtred. Im abscence of this method, I have and will turn to cutting, but I find this more shamefull and I also have to deal with the unwanted consequences that come from my husbands disapointment when he eventualy finds out as he so often does.

I think this may also be a symptom of me being a 'high functioning' or 'acting in' (rather than acting out) borderline. If I were a 'low functioning' or 'acting out' borderline I would probably find release in taking out my pain on somone else or in a more visable fashion (I hide my self harm) rather than concealing it and taking it out on myself in a 'controled' and private way. I know the destructive power of my emotions and I do not wish to harm anyone else. I am also scared that if I act out, I will be rejected and abandoned as I am awear of how they may be taken and  how much hurt they may cause. Therefore it is better that I do not act out, and that I 'act in' instead. This works fine so long as I am able to hide my distress completely which 90% the time I am able to. But somtimes it slips out, somtimes somone sees the cuts and once somone else is awear of it and what I have done to myself, I may aswell have acted out as it makes little difference. All this makes for a very lonely and isolated existance, but it is a burden I feel I must bare, and so my self soothing through pain remaines a reliable method when things get too much. The problem with spanking is that it involves a third party; my husband. Which means for it to work, I would have to go to him each time I felt this way which means it would be like I acted out as it would still be effecting him. And whilst he may not object to the idea of spanking me, it may trouble him to know just how often I needed it.