My mood darkens

Today, my mood is dark, my thoughts darker still. I find that being alone today has not helped this, in fact, it may have caused this. Today I struggle with my own mind as I often do, and my reading material (Vladimir Nabokov's novel Lolita) has only encouraged me. Today my thoughts turn to sex, pain and self-injury. I do not know why it is that they should be so today; perhaps it is because I am idle. I have a cold and thus have done very little compared to the way I usually rush around keeping myself busy. Perhaps this is what I am and what I would be like if I did not schedule my days so. I do not usually give myself time for much reflection and so spend most of my time numb. But today I am feeling feisty, angry and defiant. I want to be noticed, and I want to do something outrageous. Today I am not content with life, I want to feel alive. I want to be thrilled and excited, but instead I find myself lying here on the sofa with a blanket over my knee alone like some old woman. Today I can only dream and lose myself in my fantasies. And perhaps once I’ve finished this bottle of wine I will not care about my frustrations and torment, about the fact that I am screaming on the inside but silent on the outside. For the first time in many months I found myself compelled to cut again, but I walked away from it and now I am wondering why I did so as I have still not found any release, and am unlikely to feel any such release for the foreseeable future unless things drastically change round here (which they are unlikely to). And so perhaps in another week, I will have given up and I will pick up that blade after all to find my release, and the cycle shall begin again.