First of all, we are all individuals and therefore, submission is
something different for each of us - men and women, subs and Doms, young
or old, new to the lifestyle or with a fair share of experiences. So I
can and will not claim to give the only possible definition or even
explanation but I want to sum up some of the basics that are underlying
the concept of submission as I experienced it throughout my years in the
lifestyle.
Submission is an intense form of a relationship. The submissive
part gives up some of her (or his but I’ll stick to the female form
here) control to the dominant part. To which extend she gives it up
depends on the two involved and is not anybody else’s business. There is
no right or wrong in general, just a right or wrong for those who enjoy
this exciting journey together - so don’t worry if anyone tells you you
were doing it wrong when it feels just right for yourself.
There are however some basics that I consider essential to all
D/s relationships. First and foremost, since it is a very intense type
of a relationship, it needs a lot of trust. Trust again needs time. So
take your time. Take a lot of it. Don’t let anyone rush you into
anything. If someone approaches you and you try to get to know him, do
so thoroughly before you start playing. If he tries to rush you and
doesn’t respect your need to build some trust first, he’s likely to
ignore others of your limits as well.
Which leads me to limits. Everybody of us has limits and if
someone says they do not have any or even worse, if a dominant part
requires the sub to submit without limits, they either do not know what
they are talking about or they know it very well and want to take
advantage of someone inexperienced. (Yes, I know there are also people
willing to submit without limits knowing what it means but to me, that
is the far, far dark corner of bdsm and I’m not covering any of this
here.)
As a general rule, everything that happens should be based on
consensuality - meaning anything either of the two involved is not
comfortable with will just not happen. A good, caring Dom takes his time
to explore the limits of his sub and will also find out how to push
them a bit - gently but he will - since he knows he helps her growing to
a better self by doing that. But he will always respect her limits in
general and he will not be too demanding since he knows how much she can
take and where to stop. An important part here is also aftercare.
Especially after pushing her limts but also after every “normal”
session, the Dom takes his time to soothe her back down again and to
make her feel comfortable.
What is submission not?
Submission
does not mean the dominant part is superior to the submissive part. The
submissive part chooses freely to give up control to the dominant part
because she wants to, because she feels the dominant part will guide her
to wonderful places that she could not reach otherwise. Whether or not
humiliation is part of what turns the sub on depends on her but it is
not done because she was lower in any way, just as part of the dynamics
during play time.
Submission also does not mean the sub would give up all her
rights. She remains a woman who has her own desires and needs and she
will find a way to show them to her Dom without topping from the bottom.
She has especially the right to say No at any given time and if her Dom
does not respect her No, he is not a true Dom but rather an abusive
jerk hiding behind a respected title to pursue his abusive needs. Should
that be the case, turn around and run, run fast.
Submission can also
not be enforced by the Dom, it can only be gifted freely by the sub. It
is a wonderful gift to receive and a caring Dom will always treasure it
as such.
As in any other type of relationship, use your common
sense. Take your time and listen to your guts. Usually, they tell you
pretty well if and how to go on, to get more intense or to take a break
or even to end things.
This can be a very rewarding journey when two
people meet who have similar ideas and who respect each other. Don’t let
it be spoiled by someone taking advantage of your inexperience.
This got a bit lengthy and so I want to conclude with a short definition a former sub of mine created:
“It’s
where you make a comittment to someone. He will take care of you and
you will give yourself over to him to take care of you.”
Taken from: A Gentle Dom's View
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