Overfamiliar Doms- Dangerous Doms

Little n says..

Since joining fetlife I have had a few propositions from Doms despite the fact I have listed on my profile that I have a partner/Dom and that I am not looking for a Dom. But I’m not sure many of them really do that much background research before they message me! One particular Dom from Yorkshire, England (which isn’t too far away from me) messaged me after I had commented on his discussion on watersports. Clearly encouraged by our mutual interest …and perhaps the fact that I am only 21!

Anyway right from the start I was surprised by this guy’s arrogance and I knew I was dealing with someone who spent way too much time on fetlife trying to pick up young sub girls…I could see he did that just be viewing his friends list! Lol I was obviously one of a long list of sub girls he was chatting to and I bet he said the same things to all of them. He was too personal from the start but I allowed him to be my friend (more out of sympathy and I thought meh, what harm can it do?) and he messaged me a few times after that. I wasn’t really bothered, but this guy clearly wanted more than just a chat about our mutual interest. He wanted me to be taken in by him, to do what he wanted and to meet him…er no thanks. He was really into heavy make-up (I rarely put foundation on!)  And requested that I wore red lipstick when I messaged him…who did this guy think he was!

It occurred to me that there must be a lot of online Doms like this who believe that just because a female says she is a sub she will take orders from any man claiming to be a Dom…not so. In my opinion submission is a gift, and not something that a Dom has a right to, or can expect when meeting/contacting a submissive for the first time simply because that is what she is into. I fancy men and women but I don’t fancy them all, nor do I want an intimate relationship with them all either! I think a new Dom meeting a submissive for the first time would have to give the submissive a good reason to give this gift to him, he has to earn it otherwise the relationship becomes unbalanced and can be abusive. If a Dom was not respectful towards me and not the perfect gentleman alarm bells would be going on in my head. Just because I’m into masochism and submission does not mean I’m going to take crap off you. And if a Dom feels that he has to prove himself then perhaps he will make a better Dom who is not selfish and does not take his submissive for granted.

I know there are a lot of D/s partners or whatever who operate online (long distance) who are not in a traditional ‘vanilla’ relationship and may not have feelings for one another, but my submission comes out of love and it seems this is often the case with female bloggers. I could not imagine submitting to someone who I did not have any feelings for. Well ok, I admit, I could submit to someone who I lusted after maybe but I still think it is better who have a deeper connection than just lust. You have to be able to trust them and understand them, to know what they are thinking, and I think that kind of emotional connection adds meaning to the acts of Dominance and submission. So with that in mind, what exactly did this 50 year old Dom think he had to offer me?

Yesterday it took a more interesting turn when I logged into fetlife and found displayed on my homepage and update about a discussion he had started. The discussion was about his ‘frigid sub wife’ yes that’s right this guy is attached…but wait didn’t it say he was single on his profile and looking for a life partner? Hadn’t it ever dawned on him that the reason his wife does not want to play with him was because he was a bad Dom, and a bad Husband. I wonder how many other ‘Doms’ there are like him around.

Rape Play and ripped off clothing

little n says..

I am quite interested in exploring rape play and having clothes ripped and torn off me during the scene. I don't know how common this is, but it has been dicussed on fetlife here.

I found it interesting, and I think tights would work well for this sort of scene.Also I guess some more substantial clothes could be cut off with either a knife or scissors...that could be fun and add to the threat/fear element of the scene.  

Mindy Gledhill- Anchor

little n says..

Another song which has been highligthed on fetlife as a song which is meaningful to Big/littles. 

songs that capture the nature of Big/little relationships

little n says..

This video was posted on a thread on fetlife. 

I thought i'd share it....

How amazing are these?

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/190702785853?_trksid=p5197.c0.m619

little n says...
 I found these british made wax play candles (with low melting points) on ebay by melting.point and im hoping I will recieve one as a gift =) 


I still have not experimented with wax play yet, but hopfully I will soonish...I think I may be getting one for chanukah..which is kind of related. It is the festival of lights afterall!
 

Comments on C4s 'Sex Story: Fifty Shades of Grey' Documentory

little n says...

Last night I watched the documentary on C4 about the 50 shades of Grey books (this post is not about the books, it’s about the documentary about the books). To its credit the program did try to be balanced by including a D/s couple to offset some of the other more negative comments being made by some of the other guests, but I couldn’t help but get annoyed at one particular female guest who was not only ignorant (like many of the other women commenting), but openly (and cluelessly) hostile towards bdsm in general.

I hate seeing women like that on TV, they give feminism and fetishists a bad name. I am both, and I couldn’t disagree with her more. Me and my Dom are intelligent people; I just graduated with a degree in sociology in which I gained a great deal of understanding of feminism, and my Dom (also a sociology student) has studied these same issues and has taken an interest in feminism, and we would both consider ourselves to be (in our own way)  feminists.

The woman speaking who looked to be in her 50s, was clearly a bit of a man hater (how come it’s ok to hate men when you’re a feminist?) and obviously did not have a kinky bone in her body! Indeed she seemed to have the innocence of a virgin, sex was clearly a dirty word to her ears. Perhaps she is one of those feminists who believes all sex is patriarchal and something women would free themselves of. Women clearly cannot enjoy such treatment afterall if it debases them (oh the capacity of the human mind…;) ). Needless to say she had a very judgemental and moral high ground stance on the whole issue. Basically she was saying two things 1. How can anyone want to do these ‘abhorrent’ things? (she made a clear ‘moral’ judgment) 2. This is oppression and goes against what feminists have been trying to achieve.

First of all whether or not someone finds bdsm practices abhorrent, they can still be turned on by them. In fact some people may like a certain practice because they think it is so, but obviously not everyone will think this way. Not only did she show herself up to be very vanilla lol and very ignorant. But she went on TV making misinformed comments about a lifestyle choice which she clearly knows nothing about. Her disgust at the practices in the book also surprised me because many bdsmers like myself believe the books to be quite vanilla in the way they depict bdsm scenes like I have said before, Mr Greys hard limit list contains a lot of things that a lot of people in the scene enjoy (as the documentary later pointed out).

Anyway,  her  second belief I feel is quite damaging to us as a community, and unfortunately it is often held by more radical feminists who seem to overlook the golden rules of bdsm (sane, safe on consensual) and make harsh judgments based on..what exactly? These women are shocked by it, they have no real life experience of it, have they ever spoken to someone who does even? (Unlikly-who would come out to them!) I think her hostility actually borderlined on discrimination, and I would certainly consider her comments to be of a fundamentalist nature especially considering that most couples these days play around with some bdsm equipment even if they do not identify with the bdsm community.. However she was certainly not the only one to criticize bdsm, another woman joked ‘who wants to be analy fisted on a Friday night?!’ (Which isn’t even in the books so I don’t know where that came from) but I accept that anal fisting is not for everyone (it’s not my thing either) but her comment wasn’t really about anal fisting, it was another moral judgment i.e. how can someone want that to be done to them, it’s horrible, it’s a joke even.   

Thankfully however, the D/s couple did help even out the balance a bit more, although they may have outed a few of us along the way because the sub was wearing her eternity-collars-style steel collar on TV! My mother and future mother in law have both been reading 50 shades of Grey and therefore may have very well decided to watch that program. My mother I know to be a bit of a kinkster herself (although I don’t know the details) and she has a good sense of humour and understanding nature and is no prude -so I don’t mind about her, but other family members are not so understanding. I wear an eternity collars wrist cuff (I used to wear one on each wrist) which they are both aware of but do not know the meaning of. If they were watching that documentary I’m sure they could have worked it out and no doubt there are many other subs who also wear these ‘not so discreet anymore collars/cuffs/anklets’ around their family/friends/colleagues who may come under closer inspection in the future if someone makes the connection.

Other people had a good joke at the contract. The contract was in my opinion the only authentic thing about the 50 shades trilogy and was no doubt copied from the blog/site of some other sub. That also annoyed me because many people (including myself) have these contracts and take them very seriously. They can be very important to some D/s couples who want to be able to outline the specifics of their relationship to ensure each partner knows their responsibilities and their roles and what the other expects from them. They also facilitate safe and consensual play which is of course very important, particularly if either partner is interested in ‘edge play’ or is inexperienced.

I was not surprised that this documentary had been made, I have been waiting for something such as this to be shown, but it would be nice for there to be a proper film made about bdsm which did not contain negative stereotypes or hatred but the lives of real people who enjoy this lifestyle. Not that im calling for some big awareness campaign…I’m happy keeping my sex life a secret! I do not want bdsm to become trivialised and turned into some fad and become divorced of all meaning by the masses. But I would like to combat hate and ignorance.

Another 50 things about me

little n says…

51. When I was little I used to imagine that I lived in Victorian times, now I just have a bit of a fascination for Victorian clothing, period dramas and novels which are set in that era and a desire to be spanked like a naughty Victorian lady! Oh and be put in a tin bath and washed by my fiancé/dom I don’t know why I just think it would be fun and romantic.

52. My engagement ring is made of wood and only cost £70.

53. I really like eating sushi.

54. I try not to swear too much.

55. I really enjoyed watching 9 ½ weeks

56. I’m reading the last of the 50 shades trilogy.

57. I used to be in love with Lestat out of the vampire chronicles.

58. I have enjoyed all of Sarah Waters books, and have some of the tv drama adaptations on dvd.

59. I am a big fan of the Russian band tatu even though nobody else knows who they are anymore.

60. I used to have two gold fish one called steven, the other called Jeremy beadle (I was a big fan of you’ve been framed!) and a gerbil also called steven! (steven was a family friend)

70. I was bullied at school.

71. I’ve always been a bit of a loner and an introvert.

72. I’ve always had a dirty mind.

73. I like sussing people out before I let them get to know me.

74. People find me too intense and intimidating.

75.  I hate small talk..I’d rather just not speak.

76. I’m using this as a way of getting out of job hunting.

77. My new favourite vegetable is artichoke

78. When I was about 5 I once covered myself in some bubble bath that I was given by my mother because I saw an advert on TV by the same company which advertised body lotion, and I mistook it for the same product.

79. I once tried to eat some soap because it was made to look like a sweet (candy if you’re American)

80. I used to wet the bed a lot when I was a child.

81. I still secretly want to colour in pictures.

82. I drink a lot of water because I worry about the damage I did to my liver when I was a teenager, and because it contains no calories.

83. Artificial sweeteners give me migraines.

84. I get a lot of migraines/headaches.

85. I hate my periods, but the thought of not having them scares me!

86. I will not take the pill or any other chemical contraceptive because I am too concerned about the effect that they may have on my health, but I took Prozac for 2 years and regularly take pain  killers and tablets to help me sleep.

87. I get anxious if I am surrounded by lots of people. It kinda overwhelms me.

88. I am terrified of spiders, and I seem to keep finding them at the moment.

89. I am a very clingy woman.

90. I really like nature, and I’d really like to make love in a candlelit yurt in the woods, in a big wooden bed, whilst being kept warm by a fire, listening to the crackle of the fire and the sounds of the wildlife outside, then I’d like to lie in his arms and just look up at the stars.

91. I want to stay in a tree house like some lost tribe.

92. When I have my own home I will grow my own vegetables and won’t let my kids watch TV! They can play outside like children are supposed to.

93. I quite like art, and find aesthetics quite important. If a house is not pleasant inside to look at, I feel uncomfortable. I like to beautify things, but I do not conform to what others find beautiful.

94. I like being able to see the inner beauty of other people.

95. When I was 15/16 I was obsessive about a woman 30 years older than me.

96. I always fancied a lot of my teachers…I think I wanted them to do things to me after lessons in their empty classrooms, cupboards, over their desks ;)

97. I’m a very sexual person, and I can’t turn it off.

98. I need to be handled firmly sometimes brutally, but always with care.

99. I still can’t swim

100. I like spotting other kinksters/noticing other people’s kinkiness in day to day life it makes me smile.

50 things about me

little n says…

1.    I used to identify as lesbian but now I’m engaged to a man and do not attach any labels to my sexuality.

2.    I love Morecambe and Wise.

3.    I just graduated with a 2:1 in Sociology.

4.    Next month I’m going to visit the Harry Potter studios in London.

5.    I’m a vegetarian and ‘part time’ vegan.

6.    I love animals and want a Dog, Rabbit, Degus, Pigs, chickens and Gerbils.

7.    I have shoulder length dark curly hair

8.    I need glasses-I’m short sighted.

9.    I was christened and spent most of my life agnostic, now I want to convert to Judaism.

10. I have blue eyes.

11. I am about 5’6” tall

12. My breasts are small, but I like them.

13.  I hate fake tan, and have yellow/olive light brown skin but am classed as white!

14. I’m English (which does not mean I live in London!), but my maternal Great Grandfather was French.

15. I have never been employed (I’m currently trying to get a job)

16. I cannot drive, but would like to/feel like I have to learn soon.

17. I hate pink!

18. My parents divorced when I was 11.

19. I love to cook.

20. I used to play the trumpet when I was at school, but I can’t do it now.

21. I have an A grade GCSE in metalwork

22. I was the only girl in gymnastics that couldn’t do a cartwheel L

23. I really enjoy travelling, and would like to get married abroad, maybe in the Caribbean.

24. My political allegiance lies to the left (socialist) but I vote labour because socialists would never get in under the current voting system.

25. I hate sport, I’m more of a thinker-that does not mean I’m fat, I’m actually quite slim.

26. I spent my teenage years controlling my own eating habits, I was underweight and I used it as a way of coping with my home life.

27. I have had problems with depression and anxiety, but they do not currently affect me anymore.

28. I was reasonably good at German at school, and I would like to learn a bit of Hebrew and I regret not learning much French but that wasn’t really my fault (school changes).

29. If I could, I would collect teddy bears.

30. I had my first kiss at the age of about 7.

31. I have lost too virginities! The first was with a girl when I was 17, the second was with my current partner when I was 18.

32. I hate my feet touched.

33. I have a little sister and 2 stepbrothers.

34. I do not get on with my father.

35. I just ate way too much chocolate.

36. I still have a lava lamp but it doesn’t work.

37. I do not own an iphone, ipad, or anything else with an ‘i’ in front of its name.  

38. I love to read, and most of my fictional books contain sex and are either classical, horror, historical or just plain rude/erotic.

39. I spent 3 weeks coming of caffeine and was really ill during the process, now I try to stick to decafe.

40. I don’t drink much alcohol usually, but yesterday I had a hangover!

41. I would like to make my own quilt, but I don’t have any sewing skills.

42. I am really into eco products- because they are cheaper and I kinda do care, but am not that convinced by global warming.

43. I’d quite like to be a housewife with a few kids, which feminism doesn’t seem to allow these days.

44. I was really into radical feminism at college, but have since become a bit disenchanted with it and prefer Jewish feminism- and no being submissive does not go against my feminist sensibilities.

45. I am a bit of a hygine freak, but I accumulate more clutter than my fiancé would like.

46. I do not watch much TV, but I really enjoyed game of thrones.

47. I want to call my first born female child Lillian and my first born male child Oliver, but my fiancé says it has to be Oscar instead because Oliver is overused these days.

48. I like men with ginger hair- my fiancé has ginger hair.

49. I like to dress smartly rather than in jeans.

50. I have a tattoo down my back of roses.