Knife Play

little n says….

I have secretly harboured fear play fantasies for a while now, but I have little to no experience with this. During my teenage years I ‘dabbled’ in self-harm as a means to release some of the hurt I was feeling because of my turbulent home life; however I never had the guts to take it very far. i.e. I was never one of those girls who got anywhere near cutting too deeply! Instead I would make lots of surface scratches, usually on my arms or thighs so that they would sting, but quickly heal and I always made sure they were covered. I was ashamed of it; it was like a guilty secret. Since then I have battled with my own urges and impulses to self-harm. It seems once you start, it’s hard to stop. 

(I know that these kinds of impulses are characteristic of BPD, and maybe I have that problem. I’ve been on and off Prozac for the last few years and tried to see mental health professionals about BPD but I gave up last year and since embracing and accepting my true sexuality (that I am a masochistic submissive) I’ve felt a lot better.)

 I was an odd child I supose and when I started dating as a teen I found myself constantly wanting to sabotage my closest relationships. I always felt things very intensely, if I fall in love, I really do fall and I become needy and possessive. I need to feel like I ‘have’ the whole of that person under my grasp or else I get very scared of rejection. So if I was going to be rejected (which I always believed I would be) I reasoned that I could at least orchestrate my own rejection In a controlled way, or push the limits and experience a little bit of rejection so that when it really did happen I was experienced enough to handle it. But I think there is definitely something thrilling about being 'on the edge'. There’s a reason why when a couple has a big argument they usually want fuck each other afterwards! Realising what you had/might not have reignites your passion for it. 

This is where knife play comes in. It’s the threat of harm, the loss of control, the realisation that you are only made of flesh that is both terrifying and exciting. Having someone drag a knife across your skin is scary. You have to trust the person you are with not to harm you, but to also excite you which can be a difficult balance because if you feel too safe it’s not going to excite you! Like I said, I am not experienced at this, but it is something I do want to explore with daddy, who I trust.