The importance of pain for self soothing

Today I came across a blog post (which you can find here) in which it was explained why people who have BPD (borderline personality disorder) find physical pain a good way of coping.

"In patients with borderline personality disorder, they found evidence of heightened activation of limbic circuitry in response to pictures evocative of positive and negative emotions, consistent with their reported emotion regulation problems. Amygdala activation also correlated with self-reported deficits in emotion regulation. However, the thermal stimuli inhibited the activation of the amygdala in these patients and also in healthy controls, presumably suppressing emotional reactivity.

Dr. John Krystal, Editor of Biological Psychiatry, commented, "These data are consistent with the hypothesis that physically painful stimuli provide some relief from emotional distress for some patients with borderline personality disorder because they paradoxically inhibit brain regions involved in emotion. This process may help them to compensate for deficient emotional regulation mechanisms.""

The origional blogger notes her own pain responces; "I don’t know about you, but I find this easily relatable. I didn’t really need neurological imaging and a battery of scientific tests to tell me I feel better emotionally after the experience of physical pain, but it really is a concept that is incredibly misunderstood by people. I personally have (had) a number of different reasons for why I turn to self-harm, but ultimately I think the main goal was to simply find some relief."... which I can also relate to. She also notes that when she is in emotional distress she will actively seek it (pain) which is also true for me. I often find that when my mind is full of  negative emotions my first instinct is to cut or harm myself. I find that my mind bombards me with so many of these thoughts it can be distressing especially if these thoughts turn to suicide. I also find that if I do not act on these impulses when these thoughts first apear, they can take along time to disapate, as I can find no other release which is as effective as pain. They will continue to bother me untill I eventually give in to them or I do somthing else impulsive but equally if not more so destructive in some other way. Therefore pain is a good release, and I have found that whilst cutting is effective, the longest lasting and most effective pain is that which is administered to me by a third party.

"physical pain actually inhibits the experience of emotional turmoil" 

 

Whist I hated being spanked as a child (it was usualy more like one ot two wacks across the thigh or bottom enough to make me cry) spanking is the most effective pain for relieving my emostional distress. I dont just mean 1, 2, 3 and your done. I mean a sustained and steady session of spankings starting slowly and building up to a steady rythm untill each hit is just painfull enough to bear but not so painfull that they make me cry out sustained for 10 minutes or more untill I have calmed down. I feel that this is the best way of helping me through 'an episode'. After which I may wish to be alone, or to be held and nurtred. Im abscence of this method, I have and will turn to cutting, but I find this more shamefull and I also have to deal with the unwanted consequences that come from my husbands disapointment when he eventualy finds out as he so often does.

I think this may also be a symptom of me being a 'high functioning' or 'acting in' (rather than acting out) borderline. If I were a 'low functioning' or 'acting out' borderline I would probably find release in taking out my pain on somone else or in a more visable fashion (I hide my self harm) rather than concealing it and taking it out on myself in a 'controled' and private way. I know the destructive power of my emotions and I do not wish to harm anyone else. I am also scared that if I act out, I will be rejected and abandoned as I am awear of how they may be taken and  how much hurt they may cause. Therefore it is better that I do not act out, and that I 'act in' instead. This works fine so long as I am able to hide my distress completely which 90% the time I am able to. But somtimes it slips out, somtimes somone sees the cuts and once somone else is awear of it and what I have done to myself, I may aswell have acted out as it makes little difference. All this makes for a very lonely and isolated existance, but it is a burden I feel I must bare, and so my self soothing through pain remaines a reliable method when things get too much. The problem with spanking is that it involves a third party; my husband. Which means for it to work, I would have to go to him each time I felt this way which means it would be like I acted out as it would still be effecting him. And whilst he may not object to the idea of spanking me, it may trouble him to know just how often I needed it. 

High Functioning BPDer taken from 'Beyond the Borderline personality'

High Functioning, low functioning - Part two: High function in Borderline Personality Disorder

Getting back on track.

“High-functioning borderlines act perfectly normal most of the time. Successful, outgoing, and well-liked, they may show their other side only to people they know very well. Although these BP's may feel the same way inside as their less-functional counterparts, they have covered it up very well-so well, in fact, that they may be strangers unto themselves. Non-BP's involved with this type of BP need to have their perceptions and feelings confirmed. Friends and family members who don't know the BP as well may not believe stories of rage and verbal abuse. Many non-BP's told us that even their therapists refused to believe them when they described the BP's out-of-control behavior. 

This description of High Functioning BPD is spot on for me. Even down to the comment about the therapist refusing to believe me when I told her about the out of control behavior of my youth. The violence and uncontrollable wrath. (Which I discuss here).

One of the biggest differences between high functioning and low functioning BPDs is the ability to recognize how much of a problem this disorder is and not allow it to overrun their lives completely. To recognize how adversely it will affect their professional and social lives if they let anyone see it. To make a conscious decision to present a different image. I see clearly how easily it can consume my life and destroy my relationships. I can foresee the results of letting go of  my control. Foresee how other people will react to how I feel and impulsively want to react; alienation and abandonment from the people I need to have around me. In understanding how this impulsive behavior can affect me, I can avoid some of these behaviors.

I’ve always refused to be controlled. By anyone, or even by my Self; me darker urges. Always fighting against letting this overrun my life. I won’t tell you this is easy. It’s a constant struggle, one that I am not able to overcome some days. Often it feels like a losing battle. But this war isn’t over and I’m doing all that I can to gain an advantage over this enemy within. I analyze myself, my behavior, how I interact with others, how I present myself. I push myself to get out of bed and live my life out loud.

When I meet new people it sometimes feels like I’m living a split personality. The witty, sociable, successful woman that knows everyone and laughs a lot. It’s not until I reluctantly let someone closer to me, that my façade begins to break down. Little by little letting them see who I really am. I guess part of me still is that sociable hostess that smiles and masquerades. It’s not a complete picture though. I hide the darker aspects of myself as long as I can. To the casual observer, I do this very well. To those rare few that are willing to break through my mask, they see how much I’m crumbling inside. Maybe not the full extent, because part of me still refuses to show such weakness to anyone, but when I am in closer contact with people that seem to care about me, it is impossible to continue to hide who I can be.

Low functioning BPDs tend to externalize their problems; unable to maintain a regard for those around them, consumed by their own emotional catastrophes, they lash out at each instance of instability; lost in the moment. While high functioning BPDs may feel the exact same emotional crisis, they tend to internalize more. Instead of lashing out in the moment, they control the impulse and wait until they are alone and take it out on themselves. Only affecting those absolutely closest to them. To the person suffering, and to those around and caring for the person suffering, one is not better than the other. Not emotionally, not mentally. For me, while I may not be able to stop the emotional melt down, I can usually recognize that, despite how it feels, my world is not actually ending. Having at least one solid relationship, one stable support makes an incredible difference as well. Knowing that there is someone I can turn to, that is willing to help me, see that there will be a tomorrow can make all the difference. Tomorrow I will pick myself up, and do what I need to do. The same as the day before, and the day before that. There is a small comfort in knowing the sun does continue to rise, and tomorrow is one more chance to keep going. Sometimes we just need a reminder.

High functioning BPs often consume their daily lives with a self imposed structure; scheduling away every hour, every minute. Proactively attempting to avoid emotional disaster. This provides an external stability that makes the internal instability a little easier to bear. While things are so frantic inside, there is a calm in knowing there is order in the world. I have done this ever since I was little. Every hour scheduled away with activities, sports, studying. At University when I was so often alone, at some of the loneliest points I’ve ever been in, I kept a ridiculous course load, maximizing the number of credits I could take, developing rigorous study schedules that consumed my day allowing little time to be left to my own thoughts. This didn’t always work. It didn’t actually fix the fact that the sadness and depression was still there, waiting to surface when I could no longer keep up my guard. But in pushing myself, providing myself with a goal, I had something to reach for. Something to motivate me to keep going.

Maybe that’s another attribute of the high functioning BP; the ability to look to the future. Having something to look forward to, to reach for and achieve… It’s hard not to feel a little proud, a little relieved in knowing that such things can still be accomplished, despite it all. 

This short essaywas taken from Beyond the Borderline Personality

Vanilla Daddy

A week or so ago I had another outburst..at work. I flooded you with texts about my disatisfaction with our relationship, our sex life, and its lack of meaning. You were not prepared for the things I said, and as usual responded with 'I dont know what you want', 'Its hard for me', 'I dont know what to do', 'why does it have to be that way all the time?' and 'why cant you enjoy normal sex like I can/why does it have to be rough?'.

Firstly, you should know by now what I want, and if you don't it is your own fault for not listening or taking the initive. I have tired to include you in online disscussions, I have made my blog and my fetlife profile availible to you so that you can read about my fetishes and more importantly over the last 2 years I have discussed them with you...or where you just not taking it in?

 secondly I know it is hard for you, maybe you find it embarracing your wife calling you Daddy...I understand that, but I think it is more embarracing for me. Personally I find it much easier to carry out somone elses desire or fetish than my own. Doing somthing for somone else does not leave you vulnrable, it is not your deep dark desire, it is mine, my secret, my shame, not yours so you need not feel ashamed or embrraced about it.

 Thirdly you should know what to do becasue we have disscussed this, and more to the point, its not about having a script and being perfect. Its about taking on a role and doing what feels right to you. Not all fathers are the same, and not all doms are the same, and Daddy doms are no different! Countless bloggs list the qualities of a 'proper Dadddy Dom'  but the truth is, they are what they are. Who they choose to be. It is down to personal preferance, personal interpretation. What I think of, may not be what you think of, and thats ok because really daddies are often not the perfect beings thier daughters wish them to be either! We all have faults and little quirks.

Fourthly, I never said it had to be all the time, somtimes would be a good start! Although I will admit that I would like this to be a dynamic in our relationship that could become 24/7 in the home, but I am willing and happy to start at the begining and see how we get on! But if we dont even do it somtimes, you can't complain I want it all the time!

Fifthly (is that even a word or have I just made that one up?...nevermind), I have asked myself why I cannot enjoy 'normal sex' the way that you can. I have wondered if I am really in love with you, or if I am just in love with the idea of you. Why I must have you play this role...and I came to an interesting conclusion. My normal is not your normal! so simple! To me this dynamic is normal. It is then that I feel I can be my true self, call me stunted I dont care. It may seen strange to you that I am that child like person inside but it is true and 'normal' or vanilla sex to me feels like a role play, a bit of an act, not really real.

 I have also realised afew things about my attraction to you as it has come to my attention that I may have fallen for you because you reminded me of my Daddy. Not my biological father, he was not my Daddy, he was never much of a father emotionally as you well know and have seen for youself, but my great grandfather. You have herd me talk about him on many occassions, and although you never met him, you have herd about him and seen pictures. When my great grandmother remarked before her passing, that you reminded her of her husband, I thought it was funny, and did not take it too seriously. But now that I have seen pictures of him as a younger man  and  have grown to understand him from a more adult perspective, I think that she was right. You have some similar personality traits and even look similar, let this not diminish what we have, it is ment as a compliment; it is well known that a girls first love is her Daddy.


You are a decent man, one who loves with all his heart, but who can get caught up on the unimportant material things in life. My great grandfather too had his faults, which for a long time I was unwilling to accept and I wouldnot hear of it from relatives who would speak of his less favourable traits. I idolised him, and thought that if i were to accept his faults it would diminish the love I recieved from him and felt for him in return. I realise now that I was wrong and I have with time been able to accept that he was at times harsh with people, but not with me, and stubborn and able to take a grudge, but he mellowed in his old age and was always good to me. In accepting this I have perhaps a more grounded view of my grandfather.

 I have found it difficult also, perhaps due to my mental health condition which makes it hard for me to see both sides of the specturm, to see the good and the bad in you and accept them both in conjunction with each other. I know I have a tendancey to only see the good, or only see the bad which can make me harsh and cold towards you when I am unable to see your good qualities. I accept that I may be exepecting too much too soon. I want the whole world on my plate. I often 'dont see the wood for the trees' and get so caught up in the end result that I cannot find the resources to actually make things happen, to turn words into action. But I do try to correct my faults which I am all too awear of, and thats a start.

...and so I find myself at a crossraods, and I do not know which way to turn. I feel as if I have been standing here for some time. I keep returning to this place unable to move on. Should I just forget about this whole thing?.. as I have often wondered about my religion. What then if I where to walk away and leave this behind? Would I be able to be happy? I think you might be happier in which case is it fair on you? But wouldnt I resent you in time? Would I have regrets? Isnt this all just too hard, too time consuming and exhaughsting to bother with? Why put myself through this? I know that if I do not take the next step, whatever it is, I will be stuck here forever. And if I do not make it happen, I may well be full of regret and 'what ifs'. But I also fear that in taking a step towards my goal, my desire, I might also be taking a step away from you towards the arms of somone else. I want us to take these steps together, hand in hand. I know it is not going to be easy but I cannot and do not want to do this alone or with sombody else. That would be a great loss to me and I would be full of regret, but at the present time I do not see how this is possible between us. I do not think it likely that you will undergo some great transformation and be the perfect Daddy as I have envisioned it, I have to be realistic. I think there needs to be compramise on both parts, comitment and alot of talking.

'Its okay. I'll give you what you're afraid to ask for' a short essay on expectations

Reading those words and the idea of hearing that said to me is really powerfull. Im sure I am not alone in feeling this way, as many women also feel as if their sexuality is still taboo despite the fact that we live in a 'pornificated' society. Unfortanatley though many of us still feel that if we tell our partners kinky or vanilla what we really think about in bed, that we will be rejected or that our fantisies will never be realised even if they do not react in disgust at the idea of you calling them Daddy and needing a spanking. And I have found that to be somwhat true, because the problem is girls, men just dont think the same way as we do...well most of them don't.

If you go onto a male blog you are likely to find many sexual images. You can find them on a womans blog too of course, but male blogs tend to have more sexualy explicit imagry and more images in general than on a female blog. Females like to write, to think and express themselves. We use our minds alot, and we are not different when it comes to sex. Go onto a male blog and you often wont find a great deal of content, just page after page of sexualy explicit imagry, which is fine, but its not sexy. Much like a strip dancer is much less sexy than a burlesque dancer. (Men may scratch their heads at this one and think 'but a stripper takes all her clothes off how can she be less sexy?' Indeed she does, but it is they way she does it.) What men and women find sexy can be very different.

I am begining to realise as I get older (ok so I know im still only 23 lol) that men and women really do think about sex differently. For men, it remains a very visual thing. For me, it is about what is hidden underneith. What is going on in the mind. And there is nothing less sexy than when you look at your partner and you realise there is nothing going on in there!

Those words therefore are powerfull, becasue they are so rare. For a man to understand what a woman wants, without her having to go through the humiliation (and eventual disapointment as her man fails to live up to her desires and expectations) of having to spell out every detail. Somtimes I wish that a man could offer me this. But I am not sure there are many men out there living on this planet who are capable of such a statement. They'd have to be just as kinky, if not kinky than me to truely understand the implication and meaning of those words.

I have at least once perhaps more, met men who have this quality to them. The ability to see through me, to know my secrets and desires by just looking at me. Meeting these men can somtimes be disturbing and fightening and may very well leave you feeling a little breathless! Us women walk around not realising the sorts of signals we give off, what traces we leave behind when we say somthing a certain way, look a certain way or react to somthing because we are used to being ignored. Then when somone does pick up on it, and responds to you in such a way that they are telling you that they know you mind suddenly you feel very vulnrable. Its awakeing, exciting and realy fucking scary! It all becomes a rush, every look, glance, stare, brush of the hand sends a signal straight down to your groin and makes your face burn. He knows to much, you think. You walk away feeling humiliated, but you return later for the thrill. These men are one of a kind, and they make a lasting impression. 

If more men where able to look beyond the physical and delve into the minds of their partners then we might all enjoy better sex lives. Sadly though, most men do not realise this. For me, sex is all in the mind and does not just happen in the bedroom. A convosation can have me feeling much more aroused than a touch or an image. If men really want to please women, then they should learn this, and be prepared to delve in a womans mind, and talk of nothing else but sexual fantisies all day long! Then perhaps when you are at home in bed at night, when her mind is alive with all that has been said, she will be ready for you and she will not utter the words 'not tonight darling, I have a headache'.

The sad fact is that much of womens erotica, and the little sayings and quotes such as the one above are written by women, for the enjoyment of themselves and other women. You will likely not ever hear a man say those words, becasue they where thought up by a woman and written by a woman.

Daddy Porn

Aldo Cipullo

In 1959, a handsome young Italian man in his early twenties migrated to New York City and, within a decade, would make an indelible mark on the world of high jewelry and high fashion through his creation of one of the most iconic and recognizable of all jewelry designs. That man was Aldo Cipullo and that creation, the Love bracelet of Cartier, is one of the bestselling jewelry items of all time. Though his life was relatively short, it was marked by great accomplishments and moments of staggering genius that have given him a well-deserved place as one of the most important jewelry designers of the 20th Century. 

Having left Italy and an apprenticeship at his father’s silver and costume jewelry factory in Florence to pursue larger ambitions in the jewelry world, Aldo Cipullo was quickly recognized for his talent and employed by both Tiffany & Co. and David Webb. However, creating grandiose jewels in traditional style under the umbrella of these strongly branded companies was ultimately unsatisfying for the young artist and in 1969 he joined the design team at Cartier New York. It was in his first year as a designer that Cipullo created his most iconic piece – the sleekly modern and unisex Love bracelet. In a 1972 article by Marian Christy for the Reading Eagle, Cipullo remarks, “Love has become too commercial, yet life without love is nothing – a fat zero. What modern people want are love symbols that look semi-permanent – or, at least, require a trick to remove. After all, love symbols should suggest an everlasting quality.”  http://www.beladora.com/2013/07/all-about-aldo-the-great-cartier-designer-aldo-cipullo/

The Love Bracelet

In 1969, Aldo Cipullo created the love bracelet inspired by medieval chastity belts in an attempt to create somthing beautiful and deep with meaning for those lucky enough to have one bought for them (you could not buy one for yourself). Since thier creation thier hefty price tag has meant that these bracelets remain inaccesable to most, well that was untill everyone got the internet and had access to much cheaper 1:1 replicas made in china but anyway ...I digress.

All this got me thinking...did Aldo Cipullo create the first slave/sub bracelet?

Ok so i'll admit that Aldo never called or hinted that his 'Love' bracelet was intended for this purpose but c'mon...it seems pretty clear to me that it is about ownership...or is that just my dirty mind? I dont know where Aldo really got his idea from, and I also don't know if companies like eternity collars, who produce looking metal bracelets (cuffs), anklets and necklaces (collars), where inspired by Aldo or if they created thier bracelets by coincidence, but my guess is that Aldo has had some influence. My idea has been somwhat backed up by the discovery of this...

.....The Eternity Whisper Cuff 

With a RRP of just  $125 (still a bit above my budget lol) this is not a bad replica. Eternity promotes this locking bracelet as "Inspired by popular design" perfect for "any event or proffessional setting where you want to symbolise your bond and keep it a secret"... true...unless your collegues or eek your boss also has a kinky side... or worse a keen mind that is able to put 2+2 together! Genrally however, most people do not notice these things..unless there are themselves into the kink, nor do they think about them or ask, and if they do, they dont say, and with all these celebraties walking around with slave..i mean 'love' bracelets these days there are no doubt plenty of women walking around in these for purely fashion / asthetic reasons. I say this because I am the owner of a Raw eternity cuff (see below) which I wear when I can (I get terrible eczma on my wrists from wearing it too much) and nobody has ever battered an eyelid at it despite the fact that it is a big chunky stainless steel bit of metal which does not resemble any other sort of bracelet I have seen for sale anywhere else. I am actually quite amazed that nobody has ever questioned why I was wearing such a plain bracelet that is so heavy and durable and not so much asthetic, there are no pretty diamonds or detail on this cuff, just raw metal.... Dont get me wrong, I like the simplicity and understated the minimalist apearance of this cuff. It is durable and made to "take all the punishment thrown its way" (which means I dont have to take it off when I do crazy shit likte wash the dishes and bathe lol). I like it more than some chunky of leather that looks like somthing out of an ann summers BDSM pack for beginers or what one might expect to see on some 14 year olds wrist at a music consert. I like it, but I also wish it was more asthetic, more like Aldo Cipullos creation, beautiful and elegant.

 Finding out about Aldo's bracelets conjured up images of the film story of o (1975) in which O recieves a special ring.. and a labia piercing whilst being submerged in what seems like a very upper class environment of elite clubs and secret mansions where expensive and deeply symbolic jewelry such as this would be all the rage! 

I am never going to own a real Cartier bracelet, and i'm fine with that. Even if i could afford it, could I really justify spending £1,000-4,000 on a bracelet?! I can however afford a £6.99 replica I found on ebay earlier this week! check this out...